you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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