there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
