My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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