If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
