sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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