We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
