I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
