Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
