I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
