my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
