I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
