Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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