frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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