Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
