I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
