apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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