Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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