I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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