I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
