fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
