I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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