I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I need to calm my uterus...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
