someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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