just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
