So drunk its hurt
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
