Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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