She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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