i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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