I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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