Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
