Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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