Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
