So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
