Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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