Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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