I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
