Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
