im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
