you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
