She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
