Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
