Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
