We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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