you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
