Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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