My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Houston, we have a blender
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
