hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
