i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
