The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
