i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
