I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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