whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
