my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
