I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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