You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
