Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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