2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
