You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
