Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
