I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
