My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
