i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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