Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
