the condom got lost in my hair
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
