In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
