My room smells like vodka and shame
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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