oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
