There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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